It is always there. It never rests.
I try to ignore it. I try to muffle it. I try to shout over it.
All to no avail. It is as persistent as a mosquito on a humid summer night.
It pops up with crushing regularity.
And with two words, that nagging little voice throws buckets of ice-cold water on everything I touch.
I write a blog post.
“Not enough,” it says.
I bring Joan coffee in bed.
“Not enough,” I hear again.
I give money to my church, my favorite politicians, the American Red Cross, the ragged man on the street corner holding a sign, the environment, and to my grandchildren.
Again, I am greeted with the same refrain; “Not enough.”
I pray. I search scripture. I fast. I engage “others” in holy conversation. I stand on my head in the lotus position.
“Nope. Still not enough,” it says.
I walk. I lift weights. I hit the elliptical for 15 hard minutes a couple of times a week.
“You’re kidding… right?” it says, now descending into pure snarkitude.
I wear myself out trying to silence the voice of RIC… the Relentless Inner Critic.
I get tired of continually falling short… of my own goals… of other people’s expectations… of God’s ideals. I wonder how many more years it will take until I finally get my act together.
And then, right when I am expecting him least, up pops Jesus. That comforter. That guiding light. That soother of troubled souls.
And what does Jesus have to say to me, in the middle of my crisis of confidence?
He holds my hand, looks me squarely in the eye and says, “RIC’s right, you know.”
Taken seriously aback, I reply, “Excuse me, Jesus? What did you just say???”
“I said, ‘RIC’s right.’ That little aggravating, ingratiating voice telling you your best efforts are not enough just hit the proverbial nail smack dab on the head.”
Jesus continued – ignoring my gaping carp-like mouth. “There is no way here on earth that you – or anyone else, for that matter – will ever be able to live perfectly enough, give perfectly enough, care perfectly enough, or work out perfectly enough. And that song you are trying to learn on the guitar right now? Same thing applies to that,” he said.
He went on, “It is time to face the hard truth about life; you will ALWAYS fall short. You and all 7+ billion of your fellow earth-dwellers.”
“Gee thanks, Jesus,” I say, trying – not well – to hide the sarcasm in my voice. “That’s a real day brightener right there.”
Jesus replied, “Well, my buddy Matthew quoted me in his book once saying, ‘For mortals it is impossible, but for God all things are possible.’ Remember that? There is a great follow-up to that one, too. It was written by one of my all-time favorite hype-men, Paul. I believe his words went something like, ‘My grace is sufficient for your needs.’”
“The point is,” he… sorry… He continued, “You were not put here on earth to perform. You were put here to live and to LOVE. You probably remember that time when the rich guy – a guy with the same kinds of anxiety I see in you, by the way – asked me which of the 633 Mosaic laws was most important? Do you remember what I told him?”
“Yes!” I said, eager to win bonus points here in the lightning round. “You said there were only two that mattered. The commandments to love God and love your neighbor.”
“BINGO,” said God-in-the-flesh.
“And you know what else?” Jesus said. “You will never do either of those perfectly either. But I will see you trying and bless you for trying.”
And for me… for today… that is enough.
Abundant blessings;
As you can see from the photo immediately to the right, Joan and I have almost completed this 500-piece jigsaw puzzle. All that remains are fitting the last pieces of the pale blue sky together.
I’ve been an acrobat.
Russellings of the Spirit 