This week I discovered that, apparently, I’m in love.

But not with the one you’d think I should be in love with. 

I also discovered that this love is not a terribly healthy one.

So, here is the skinny; for the last four weeks, I have been participating in a virtual therapy group. This group is led by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT for short, as its main mode. 

The purpose of the group is to give the participants some practical tools to help us deal with insomnia. The idea behind CBT for insomnia is to change the way we think about sleep and our beds. It aims to change negative thoughts into positive, productive thoughts and thus help us welcome bedtime with open arms. 

I have been dealing with insomnia off and on for at least 20 years. I have tried a host of different approaches to dealing with it, with varying degrees of success. And then one day my doctor stepdaughter suggested I try to find a CBT for insomnia group here in Fort Collins.

And so, here I am. 

During this past week’s session, the facilitator put a quote on the screen that stopped me dead in my tracks. It also revealed the unhealthy love affair I referenced here at the top. The quote – unattributed – read, “The greatest weapon we have against stress is the ability to choose one thought over another.”

As I read the quote and re-read it, something seemed off. I agreed with the general concept it conveyed, but somehow it just didn’t land right. I raised my hand and said, “So, hang on a minute. This quote seems to be saying that STRESS is the main cause of insomnia. Am I hearing that correctly?”

And she said, “Yes. Stress and anxiety.”

Revelation, meet Russell. 

Stress, to my way of thinking, was something I said good-bye to when I retired. Stress, I believed, is for the person who is trying desperately to figure out how to juggle a house, a job, three kids, a marriage, community college classes, and a passion for Frisbee golf, all at the same time. Stress is for the immigrant who must peek out the window every hour to see if the masked bandits from I.C.E. are coming up her sidewalk. 

Stress isn’t for comfortable retired people! Stress isn’t for followers of Jesus who have chosen to put their whole trust and faith in him. How is this even possible?

But the more I chewed on the idea, the more it nagged at me and the deeper it sunk in.

When I retired from full-time, paid work in 2019, I vowed I would not be the kind of retired guy who sits around and collects stamps, with apologies to the numismatists among you. I would be ACTIVE! I would be ENGAGED! I would stay FIT! I would take on passion projects and see them through to COMPLETION! 

And I am happy to say all of that has come to pass. 

But sometimes it feels as if I have substituted one kind of busyness for another, unpaid kind. But don’t just take my word for it. Ask Joan. She regularly asks, “So where are you headed tonight?” in a wistful tone that tugs at me and makes me wish I had cancelled that meeting and elected a movie and popcorn with her and the dogs instead.

I was finally forced to face up to the fact that I obviously love stress. I love stress because it validates my worth. Stress proves to me that I still AM somebody, even though I am retired.  There is stress in my life because I have things to do. Deadlines to meet. Obligations to fulfill. 

I look in my mirror and say, “Would a trifling schlub who does nothing but look at seed catalogs all day (with apologies to those who own a lot of seed catalogs) ever be STRESSED? “

“Of course not!”

But isn’t that sad? Sad that a guy – a guy who should be enjoying the hell out of these golden years – thinks he needs stress to provide him some validation. Sad that he still feels the need to PROVE something to someone. Sad that he has decided to completely ignore Jesus’ words recorded in Matthew’s gospel. You know… where he talks to the people on the Galilean hillside and tells them, “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? Therefore, do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’” (Matthew 6:30-31, NRSVU). 

This group is teaching me new ways to slow down… reset my brain… pause and notice the infinitely beautiful detail of the world around me… and to gently lay any stressors down before climbing into bed at night. 

It’s a great group and I am getting a lot out of it. But I probably should have just paid a little closer attention to Jesus in the first place.

Abundant blessings;